A recent CTV article, reported that another one of those mysterious monoliths appeared on New Year’s Eve in Toronto on the shore of Lake Ontario. It made me ponder whether these twelve-foot-tall, low-budget “crop circles” are the harbingers of a new attempt at tyrannical fear-mongering.
Indeed, I would not be surprised if the Prime Minister took to the airways with this message:
I know we did our best to scare you with COVID-19. Sadly, the fact almost nobody knows anybody (under the age of 75) who died from this common cold virus really took away the fear-factor.
So we are now working hard to scare you with stories of a new, more virulent mutation. But, quite frankly, I know we’ve called COVID a few too many times… So let’s forget about pandemics. Give us a shot at another new normal scenario. I promise, this will really scare you into utter and complete submission.
NASA has examined these monoliths appearing around the world and has determined they are paving the way for a full-scale alien invasion. Scientists assure us that these are not Steven Spielberg’s E.T. Instead, think Ridley Scott’s Aliens.
Microscopic eggs from this reptilian race have already infested the world’s food supply. The WHO estimates 3.4% of people already harbour an alien fetus in their stomach, ready to burst forth and devour its host and all those within six feet. For this reason, we strongly urge social distancing more than ever.
These body hatchers are believed to thrive on oxygen. Henceforth, Canada’s Chief Public Health Officer is now recommending that all masks be made of hermetically sealed solid plastic (that allows minimal air flow through a cluster of microscopic pinholes). We just can’t risk letting you breathe more than the barest amount of oxygen necessary to enable you to continue watching television.
Furthermore, scientists have determined that water strengthens these extraterrestrial parasites. It is now your civic duty to avoid all forms of bathing and to only drink dehydrating coffee, soda and alcohol. For this reason, municipal water plants will be going into shutdown for the next twenty-eight days. In order to stay clean you need only rub your entire body with a Health Canada approved sanitizer (they’re not just for hands!).
In addition to oxygen and hydration, scientist also believe these gastrointestinal invaders survive off the very food you eat. For this reason, we now declare grocery stores as no longer an ‘essential’ business. They, too, will be closed for the next twenty-eight days —or as long as we deem necessary — to starve out this Martian parasite.
While hunger may be more uncomfortable than wearing a mask, again we ask you not to be selfish. Think of those around who would be devoured when the alien predator inside you breaks through and begins hunting down the sick and elderly who are too slow to outrun it.
You also probably have no money left anyway, after all those lockdowns. So by not eating for the next twenty-eight days, you’ll be doing your part to stop food banks from becoming overrun.
“As a last resort, we are already pumping trillions of dollars into building underground bunkers. At a preplanned time, which we won’t reveal until the very last moment, we will herd all of you into these subterranean chambers and seal the airtight doors. Our top eugenicists believe that complete oxygen starvation may be the only way to eliminate this invisible enemy.
Of course, they would never do that, would they? And, even if they did, nobody would fall for that one. Or would they?
Special Request: If you enjoyed this parody, and would like to see it performed by Canadian comedian and Trudeau impersonator Greg Wycliffe, please send him a link to this page via his Facebook, Twitter or YouTube account, requesting he consider it for one of his future videos.
