Tuesday, October 10, 2023

I'm typing this message, ironically, on a smartphone supplied to me by my lawyer, after spending Canadian Thanksgiving Day in my local county jailhouse.

What have I been incarcerated for? Barring a man from entering a woman's washroom? Neglecting to wear two masks when crossing the street? Raising global CO2 by running 7k each morning?

No, nothing so hideous. I was charged with petty theft.

328 accounts.

As I detailed in last week's article, "The Smartphone Burglar," a conspiracy theory has been circulating the net claiming that, tomorrow afternoon, smartphones will emit a signal which will transform the vaccinated into mindless zombies who like to watch CNN (kind of redundant, don't you think?). I thought it was all bunk, but just in case, I took it upon myself to protect my neighbours... by breaking into their homes and removing their phones while they snoozed.

My lawyer says if I reveal where I hid all the phones, he can probably bail me out of jail. But... if people do start turning into smartphoned zombies tomorrow then I'll probably be awarded the Canadian Cross of Valour.

Now, boy, you should see what this lawyer charges. It's gonna cost thousands. So maybe you could help me out by stocking up on copies of Much Ado About Corona (start your Christmas shopping early) to cover my legal fees.

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