Blazing Reader,

You've heard of chatbots, but have you heard of...

Crapbots?

Or a less crude and more Victorian name for this latest innovation in human waste disposal might be: ChamberBots

Believe it or not, AI tech has met the GI tract with... Xiaoban (pronounced shyaow-bahn) — the world's first autonomous toilet unveiled by the Chinese company Yueban...

Xiaoban — Mandarin for "Little Companion" — follows you around the house, allowing you to empty your colon or bladder without having to make any more of those monotonous treks to the bathroom.

This self-driving toilet (complete with bidet and bum dryer) was showcased at an exhibition in Shanghai, according to the Daily Star.

The article fails to mention whether a demo was given.

Of course, this $3,200 smart toilet is designed for those with mobility issues, and I probably should not be so flippant, as I'm sure many disabled people might benefit from Crapbot... I mean ChamberBot.

Xiaoban could also have saved a certain video-game addicted, ten-year-old boy from England. According to The Telegraph, this young gamer had to be treated in hospital for a distended bowel and a bladder that ballooned out of his pelvis after playing World of Warcraft, Call of Duty and FIFA for eight consecutive hours without any trips to the loo. And, not just for one day. No, day after day. His condition was so bad, the ER thought he had cancer at first. His parents must have been relieved when the final diagnosis was "gaming disorder" (a WHO-approved medical condition covered by the UK's publicly funded healthcare system).

Of course, I'm not one to talk: the robots in my novel, All the Humans Are Sleeping, spend quite a bit of time cleaning up after all those sleeping humans wired into a virtual reality utopia. Here's a quick excerpt:

After discarding the gown, Domestico began sliding tubes down Mr. Steven’s nose into his stomach, down his throat into his lungs, up his urethra into his bladder and through his anus into his bowels. As the life-supporting intrusions took place, the adagio sostenuto tempo played on like the mournful voice of a ghost who lived deep in the mountainside.

Once the intubations were completed, Domestico activated the ventilator. A pump, below the pod, began making a rhythmic rumble out of sync with the concluding first movement of Beethoven’s masterpiece.

So if you're the kind of person who has an interest in high-tech methods for avoiding time on the throne, you'll want to order a copy of All the Humans Are Sleeping. It's so good you won't want to put it down even to go to the bathroom (but, thanks to Xiaoban, you won't have to).

John C.A. Manley

P.S. In case you're starting to think All the Humans Are Sleeping is full of toilet humour, I'll have you know that not one, not two, but three PhDs gave the novel glowing testimonials. PhD, as you know, stands for Piled Higher and Deeper — in complete opposition to a flushing toilet.

P.P.S. There are no CrapBots in All the Humans Are Sleeping, but there are CrabBots (and Lobsterbots). Check out this excerpt for an amusing moment with these crustacean robots (or listen to it here).

John C. A. Manley is the author of Much Ado About Corona, All The Humans Are Sleeping and other works of philosophical fiction that are "so completely engaging that you find yourself alternately laughing, gasping, hanging on for dear life." Get free samples of his stories by becoming a Blazing Pine Cone email subscriber.